QUOTATIONS: Mark Twain<



"Truth is more of a stranger than fiction."
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"Man is the Only Animal that Blushes.  Or needs to."
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"The report of my death was an exaggeration."
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"Familiarity breeds contempt--and children."
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"Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and
  how little we think of the other person."
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"Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example."
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"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining,
  but wants it back the minute it begins to rain."
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"A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody has
  read."
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"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success
  is sure."
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"Always do right.  This will gratify some people and astonish the rest."
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"Be careful about reading health books.  You may die of a misprint."
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"Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society."
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"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear."
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"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.  The world owes you
  nothing. It was here first."
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"Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example."
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"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please."
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"Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and
  how little we think of the other person."
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"I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way."
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"I thoroughly disapprove of duels.  If a man should challenge me, I would
  take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place
  and kill him."
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"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
  you.  This is the principle difference between a dog and a man."
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"In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did
  succeed in making those idiots understand their language."
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"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a
  fool than to open it and remove all doubt."
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"It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech."
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"Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly
  good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it."
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"My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it."
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"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
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"Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat."
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"Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress.
  But I repeat myself."
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"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter."
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"There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesale
  returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact."
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"Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody."
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"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
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"The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man
  who can't read them."
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"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly.  I said I don't know."
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"It is easier to stay out than get out."
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"In the first place, God made idiots.  That was for practice.  Then he
  made school boards."
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"Always acknowledge a fault.  This will throw those in authority off
  their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more."
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"There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress."
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"Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities.  Truth isn't."
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"Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper."
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"You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."
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"If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything."
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"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I
  approved of it."
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"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the
  difference between lightning and a lightning bug."
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"It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been 
  more wonderful to miss it."
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"I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting."
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"Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it."
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"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and 
  life stands explained."
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"Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, 
  it is time to reform."
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"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied
  even to prayer."
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"It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three
  unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience,
  and the prudence never to practice either."